Depression..from the beginning (My story)

"Its all in your head." I literally said this in my own head every time my sister, Ashley, had a massive anxiety attack. I didn't understand it or what was happening. She would just "freak out" and call me to pick her up where ever she was. I rolled my eyes constantly saying to myself, "why cant she just snap out of it and realize it doesn't exist." I mean, you might as well have called me the worst sister ever just for not TRYING to understand. I would get so mad!
Growing up, my uncle suffered with depression and anxiety all his life and failed numerous times to actually commit suicide. Granted, I had no idea till later in life when he passed away, unexpectedly, and I read his personal book he just published a month prior.  It explained everything he went through in life, going in and out of mental institutes and how he couldn't even understand himself or why he felt the way he did. Now, at the time I still didn't understand how such a happy and fun loving guy could suffer with depression. I would just cry knowing he felt those things and I had no idea. Buuuuut I was young, what on earth would I have done to change him? answer, nothing.

It wasn't until 2012  when I recognized I was depressed myself.

"Do you ever just drive around and SEE everyone out running their errands and doing their thing, but it FEELS like everyone is locked away and all the doors are shut?"

"Uhh, I think that means you're not happy."

3 months later it only got worse. A LOT of things were going on in my life. Small to some, but for me, someone who constantly (I cant stress that word enough) is overwhelmed with life, these were huge things. Lets just make a list:

-Training for the Las Vegas Police Department (Metro)
-My parents moved to NY
-My Oldest sister and her kids moved to NY
-I was working 2 Jobs
-I was just DUMPED, Ha!
- Moved in to my own place ALONE. *bitter-sweet

Now with all of those things, I felt extremely alone

  ^^Yup, this was me^^

 Between my two jobs and training I had no time for myself. I didn't have my parents, my sister, my girlfriend, and no longer a roommate. As you can read its pretty clear I don't do well being alone to say the least. Things were happening with my body that I couldn't explain. You know how we allllll sing in the car when we are alone? (just admit it) yeah, that's for sure me. I do that everyday. Yet for some reason something so simple couldn't be done anymore. I would get so lightheaded that I'd almost pass out. I'm pretty sure it wasn't because I was singing too loudly. sound crazy? uh, yeah! That's because it was. Anytime I would even speak to someone, such as customers, I was ready to hit the floor with no oxygen to my brain. So with that being said, I was freaking out! I thought I was dying! I mean, what else could be wrong?

Well.... one day at work I was on the verge of passing out. My hands stiffened to the point where I couldn't open them. I couldn't speak to anyone to ask for help and I was losing my energy to hold myself up. Eventually a co-worker of mine noticed me struggling and called 911. I was hooked up to oxygen and sent on my way to the hospital where, of course, it wasn't serious. I was terrified, truthfully, thinking I was dying but it was just a panic attack, no big deal, right?. To me, it was pure death. Is that really what they feel like? You lose all sense of control and cant stop? #thatwasme

For the first time, I realized what my sister went through. For the first time, I didn't blame her for relying on me so much, and for the first time I UNDERSTOOD.

As if a lightbuld went off!

Following that day I was never the same. I feared that feeling of panic so much that I began to have panic attacks every. single. day. It affected my jobs, I ended up not passing for the police department because I couldn't keep my shit together, and it was humiliating to have to leave work early almost everyday while those around me didn't get it. Better yet, I would call my sister crying while at work telling her "I don't know what to do, Help me!." I had one friend who was always there, Deanna. I don't know why she stuck around to be honest but she was the best thing in my life. Simple, natural things that we do everyday without thinking had to be learned all over again. I had to learn to breath (who would have thought there were right ways to breath), take control of my mind, and be aware.

I'm sorry, but when you have a panic attack you feel as though you cant do any of those things, at least for me. I can't stay focused, I cant stay still, and my body loses all sense of control.

I fell into an intense depression after all of that (If I wasn't already depressed). I would sit in my condo, alone, and cry asking myself "why is this happening?" "What could I do to end this?" Now, I wasn't suicidal *thankfully*, but for a split second I remember understanding why people took their lives. If they felt anything remotely close to the way I felt, it wasn't a way to live life. It just wasn't. Simple tasks became struggles. I couldn't leave my house without having trouble breathing, I couldn't drive my car without wanted to pass out or get fidgety. The worst part of it all, I didn't know why all of this was happening. I had and still have no idea.

I had no one to turn to except for Deanna and Ashley because those were the two people who understood. But when is it time to turn to yourself? I couldn't go to my parents. Anytime I spoke to my mom about the way I felt all she would say is "Whats wrong with my babies?" since my sister was going through similar things. I don't know about you, but when you need help and you hear that from your parent, it makes you feel even more so alone and misunderstood. But it's not her fault necessarily. I felt that way about my sister when I didn't understand. (key word of this story: Understand). I couldn't be mad or upset with her even knowing that I needed her. The worst part about it was she blamed herself thinking she did something wrong as a parent.
I think the day she started to try and understand was when she came to visit and I couldn't leave the house. If she tried to get me out for the day and run errands I would have her turn around after 5 minutes(literally) because I was having trouble breathing. My home was my safety, I never wanted to leave.

Spoke to soon, because shortly after my mom left, my home suddenly didn't feel safe. My panic attacks began to occur in the middle of the night, when I woke up, and every other minute while being at home. This was the start of realizing I needed help, professionally. Nothing was working!

Let me rewind a little bit. Before I turned to professional help, I did try, spiritually, to help myself. But for me, it was still taking too long. I needed that "jump start" so I could be able to provide for myself again. If you do feel like you had similar issues, I'll admit,  Reiki and "Grounding" yourself helped me tremendously. I mean, I researched every way to get through Depression and Anxiety.

 I:
- tried working out (until that got me anxious).
- changed my diet
- meditation
- Anti-Anxiety coloring books (Amazon sells for cheap!)
- etc.

But the thing that helped my life again was sadly medication. If you know me, I hate medication, I don't WANT to believe in it but its temporary, right? even 4 years later?... There are several different types of medication doctors can prescribe. The one that helped me the  most was Lexapro. ahhh my life savor. Let me tell you, I take the lowest dose (10mg) and I can now live the good 'ol "normal" life again. But, remember, it's not for everyone. And no, I'm not "cured." I still struggle from time to time with anxiety and at this point I'm still depressed. But there's always a next step to getting better.

I can say that I hate feeling depressed and anxious, as I'm sure everyone who goes through the same thing does, but at the end of the day it has made me a stronger person with every situation I go through in life. It's taught me so much about myself and the way I think, how to take control of my mind and overwhelming thoughts. It's helped me understand people around me and become closer with those who understand me in return. All of what I write may be gibberish to most people who read this but if you've made it thus far maybe you needed to. If you do suffer with depression or anxiety just know you aren't alone even though you feel misunderstood, It does get better. Patience is a virtue!